Increasingly I have nothing to say.
Limited ways to describe how nothing is gained.
I wonder sometimes am I describing the same thing.
And when I say thing I mean the phenomenon of something appearing to happen.
How crazy, amazing, quiet, loud, joyous, edgy scary it is.....
this inexplicable sense that somehow words are being written.
How the idea of before and after collapsed
In the most stunningly ordinary way.
How the loop or circle of a life just completed and then just is.
End of End. End of circles. Of life. Of control. Of well...
Every thing.
And somehow the impossibility that a recognition
of life happening in freefall appears with that.
This is not a free ticket. It's full on life.
The recognition is also freefalling.
The grass grows. The leaves leafing. The dog barks.
Human thinking, feeling, dreaming...
just happening.
Solar powered body of air, water and lordy knows what.
Just appearing to happen. And that is perhaps too many words.
When not a word catches catching.
How this freedom that I longed for was the very seeking of it.
Somehow.
It's the most useless thing.
It's without meaning.
It's nothing.
Who would gain?
What use would it be for a character playing out to somehow 'see' that.
That's the movie too. That's it's happening. The recognition is also another happening.
It's of zero use. Pointless.
And yet it seems to be incredible. And the urge to go ...hey...eh...look..is another happening... Looking...!!!
In some ways I'd love that there was something to give.
Just a thought.
I don't like giving disappointment as gifts.
A hug would be better.
But disappointment is the gift.
This gift in a way that keeps on giving. It's the most loving disappointment I can imagine.
You are already home in homelessness my darling. It's not life. it's appearing as.
This simplicity. This ordinary extraordinay. This this. Incomparable life. However it is.
that's already the case. Already over.
The enormity of life without a story.
Life is safer with our stories. This ain't safe.
Even the word life makes this appear like that that it is knowable.
I suppose I would love to be able to say that this ordinary freedom
of life as it is beyond compare.
But it is not for the faint hearted in a way.
You get whatever is happening. And you don't get to get it.
Just happening. Not even..... sdfbjksbfbksjbfkjbsfd might be better.
Including....
Today I'm hungover. La di dah. xx
P.S... eh I didnt really live up to the title....hahaha.. sure look...no idea what I am at...
